Flummoxed.

You know... i've been seriously thinking about what i really want...
Like I've not stepped out of the house since.. sunday's dinner.
And I thought about.. what i want.. in a r/s, what i want as a career,
what i really wanna do?

But I've finally come to terms with my answer.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW!

I used to be so.. I know what's going on.. I know what i want.
I used to be so.. Focused? I used to be so... well planned.
But you've totally thrown me off...
You made me realised that hey, i'm actually quite unfocused, unplanned,
and totally unknowing about everything.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm not saying it's good either.
Just that now I just feel lost?
Maybe it's natural to feel that way.
I wanna talk about it and yet not talk about it.
Is that normal?
I've not felt normal in a long time.
Maybe i still like you that way.
I don't know. I seriously don't know.

Maybe i should stop trying to be abnormal.
cause it's like i'm already am. like long ago.
Dad said to me a few weeks back.
why cant you be normal like everyone else.
you know your dad has high blood..
you wanna give me a heart attack is it?
And that really made me think.
Am i really that abnormal?
But i feel totally normal you know...
It's confusing.

You know how that feeling of
falling head over heals or that feeling of
your heart racing when you see just this one person?
I've not felt that since you.
But i've been getting this really small ones when a few people are around.
What does that mean?

I feel like going out and running all out. And yet I don't feel like gg out at all.
Tell me what to do.
I need someone to tell me what's going on.

You know how you can totally not give a damn about something,
and yet just wanna care about everything?
i'm totally baffled at how confused and lost I really am.
It's like I'm shocked. Like not negatively.. nor positively.
Just neutral. It's so neutral that i dont have any stand on how i feel.

Has anyone felt that way before?
it's kinda freaking me out.
like.. oh my gosh i'm bewildered?

I have so many questions to ask.
And yet I don't wanna sit down and hear anything,
I wanna have the answers but yet i dont really care?

I need to talk to someone maybe.
Maybe i'm going a lil nuts?
Maybe i'm really crazy?
but then again i feel sane.

it's like a major flood of thoughts just hit my head or something.
it's like you lost control over something you've held composed for so long.
19 long years baby. 19 long years.
And it snapped.
the leash broke. melted?
I don't know. it's going haywire.
Everything!
it's like.. sitting in a jungle. huge major thick plumage.
you know you're lost but you're just sitting there.
cause maybe you know you're lost but you're not getting out anyways.
So why try?
maybe you don't wanna get out in the first place.
cause so many things are waiting for you once you get back on track.
it's like... swimming in the middle of the deep blue sea.
you don't know which way's the shore which way's the horizon.
well, tell you what, both sides have shores. just which one's nearer?
ha. bet you didnt think of that huh. haha.
well.. then why do you still swim?

it's like you know how you don't know anymore?
but still you wanna search for it?
but you don't even know what it is.
then? are you gonna search all your life?
but what if the if doesnt come to you even after you die?
then why search for it in the first place?

wait. i dont even know what i'm talking about.
So why talk?
I feel like i'm crazy.
haha.
yes. maybe i just need some help.

Help me? Anyone?